It was very cold that night. Actually, it was colder than any other winters I’ve gone through my whole entire life. Amidst of all the wailing behind my back, my eyes were focused on the face of my brother’s bloody face. He was down on the ground surrounded by men with rifles in their hands and with stoic looks upon their faces as if they were so used to this kind of act. I saw my brother’s eyes fixed on my parents who were struggling to liberate themselves from the hands of the soldiers roughly pulling them back from approaching my brother.
All of my family members were too fragile to rebel against any of the well-trained combatants and I just sat there on the ground without any thoughts in my head. I tried to lower my body to directly look into my brother’s eyes, wishing to at least remind him that everything would be okay and that the Sky will protect him no matter what happens. At that moment, my brother broke the havoc shouting hysterically, “We are not made to be your puppets. Why do you want us to believe in your truth when the real deal is outside of this country? Can’t you see the children shoving dirt into their mouths? Can’t you see the brain-washed teenagers who are supposed to be having dreams on their own? You idiots! Blind fools! You…!” Before he could even finish his last sentence, the bullet spilt through the air and stroked the center of his heart. It was the fastest way to shut his mouth. The revolution he wanted to bring faded immediately with the sound of his heart beat. As his body was dragged by two soldiers towards the truck, his unclosed eyes were harboring enmity towards the socialist government and were also asking me to continue to follow his footsteps for freedom.
The death of Kim Il Sung in 1994 made the situation even worse. Food production decreased as Russia and China stopped supporting aids and surpluses to our country. All the provisions we did receive landed in the pockets of the generals and government associates. Kim Jung Il, his son, told us that it was a punishment from the heavens for not respecting Kim Il Sung “our One”, well enough from the beginning of his reign. They encouraged us that all of the haardships would be eradicated after three years. But it never happened. The theory of socioeconomic structure and the establishment of a classless society were great, but they were never efficiently demonstrated in reality. Everyone became so egotistic to the point where they only cared about themselves.
Neither the government nor peace was their priority. People’s main goal was solely on food to alleviate the hunger of their children. Three million civilians starved to death in four years after Kim Il Sung’s death and everything rapidly deteriorated. 
Everyone scattered to look for money making jobs and I wasn’t able to see my parents for four years. It was a pain for me to suppress my nostalgia; wondering how my family would bear the torture of the cold weather and dearth of supplies. One day, I received a mail from a neighbor that my parents had passed away. As I got on the bus, I calmed myself to regain composure, but it was impossible when I saw my parents’ bodies loaded on the truck with other seventeen corpses who had died from extreme hunger. The officer told me to find my parents among the other bodies, but the pungent smell was too strong that it made me vomit continuously. However, it wasn’t the odor that hindered my approach, it was the wide-opened eyes and blue faces of the corpses that made it so hard to manage my emotion of guilt and fear. I reluctantly gave up on finding my parents and had no choice but to back down.
Everyone scattered to look for money making jobs and I wasn’t able to see my parents for four years. It was a pain for me to suppress my nostalgia; wondering how my family would bear the torture of the cold weather and dearth of supplies. One day, I received a mail from a neighbor that my parents had passed away. As I got on the bus, I calmed myself to regain composure, but it was impossible when I saw my parents’ bodies loaded on the truck with other seventeen corpses who had died from extreme hunger. The officer told me to find my parents among the other bodies, but the pungent smell was too strong that it made me vomit continuously. However, it wasn’t the odor that hindered my approach, it was the wide-opened eyes and blue faces of the corpses that made it so hard to manage my emotion of guilt and fear. I reluctantly gave up on finding my parents and had no choice but to back down. I had to leave this place; it wasn’t a home, it was hell. My head geared towards the South where the government constantly told us that it was even more difficult to live. If the south is far worse than this place, then I would rather die for the sake of myself living in such corrupted world where a human being is more insignificant than a cockroach. There was a rumor that if we broke into the South Korean embassy in Thailand, then a flight to South Korea was guaranteed. However, the trip itself seemed to be impossible because it would be an arduous mission where a group of people have to swim across the Du-Man River, which is packed with armed security. After that you would have to look for a ride to get across and into China. “God, help me get through, in your way. I have lost everything. I have nothing. I am nothing. Show me another way to serve you. I don’t blame you for my family’s death, because I know it has helped me to turn myself to you. Your touch has worked successfully; now, please clear all the hindrances. Let the water of Du-Man cleanse me all of my transgression and the soil of a new land to lead me into the light.” I prayed.
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